The Truth

So I’ve been thinking about blogging about this for awhile. I’m going to talk about this for two reasons. First reason being that writing things is very therapeutic for me. Second reason being that I know a lot of you have a lot of questions. The longer I’ve been married the more people are asking me when we are going to have kids. For the past few years I’ve made up many excuses. I’m sure some of you have heard them. But I can only say that my dogs are enough for so long. All of those excuses have been a lie. You see, in my family we don’t talk about personal problems. You keep things to yourself. That is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to fight this battle by myself (with just Jared) for a couple of years. By blogging about this I can have a somewhat intimate conversation with my close friends and family without actually talking to you. If I have to talk to you about this I will just start crying and that would be awkward for both of us. Therefore, here it goes…
I went off of the pill almost two years ago. I thought it would be so simple, go off the pill and you’ll get pregnant right? Wrong! After a few months of no luck I started having some female health problems. I went to my doctor who put me on some medication that is supposed to get me back to normal and pregnant. Well a year of that produced nothing but the fact that my doctor wasn’t being aggressive at all and still didn’t remember who I was. So then I was referred to a fertility specialist. He is not covered by insurance, so just to see him we had to pay $250 up front. So we did. He was really helpful and spent a long time explaining to us (mostly me because Jared was only there physically, not so much mentally, he was really overwhelmed) what the problems most likely were. The first and most serious was endometriosis. It’s a very painful problem that is hereditary. My mother had it so bad that she was only ever able to have one kid, me, and that was a long shot. The only treatment is surgery. So I was referred to a great doctor and had the surgery this past September. I feel so much better after it. It made such a huge difference. The problem is the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more it will come back. There isn’t a way to prevent it. Which leads me into my second problem. I’m not regular on my own. So now I’m on more aggressive medication. I’m at least still on medication and haven’t had to do shots yet. Anyway, it’s still not fun. They cause nausea and weight gain. Plus I’m sure the stress isn’t helping the weight gain. At least those are my two most common symptoms. But I can handle all of that. The hardest part is having to map out on a calendar every month every pill you take, every ovulation test you take, and make sure everything happens on the right day and time. It invades the most intimate part of my marriage. Only to take another pregnancy test and have it be negative, again. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. It has tested my faith so much to have such a righteous desire that I want so bad but I can’t have. Sometimes I feel like a failure that I can’t have kids so easily. I feel bad that I can’t give that to Jared. I feel bad that the expense is so much that we can hardly afford the cheap treatments. If these don’t work I have no idea how we are going to pay for other stuff. And if it comes to invitro, I have no idea what we are going to do. I’ll be honest, it’s really depressing. Some days it’s really hard to be happy. I try really hard to be grateful for what I have and not dwell too much on what I don’t.
I’m sorry this is such a depressing post. I just wanted to put it out there. Now you all know. I know this is dumb, but please don’t talk to me about it. I will just cry. I'm not ready to talk. No, I’m not okay with it. I don’t understand why. But it’s my life. I will survive. I’m going to continue from now on to only post about the happy things in my life. I’m not expecting a pity party. The only thing I’m asking is that everyone stops asking me when we are going to have kids. We will someday, I hope.

What happens in Vegas...

We had such a blast in Vegas! We went down for a wedding of a close friend, Jeff Tingey. It was beautiful! Thank you for giving us a reason to go on vacation.
We convinced our friends and neighbors the Putnam's to go on the road trip with us. We have a blast with them. And as you can tell in the picture below, Jared and Nate have quite the bro-mance. This is them having fun with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle hats.
Friday and Saturday night we went to see the Bellagio fountains. I hadn't ever seen them. They were amazing! It was worth braving the gross strip for them. I can't count how many we went to, but I would guess we stayed for like 6 or more. Love them!
This is me and Jared waiting...(and sorry for the bad pictures. I forgot the camera, so everything was taken with the phone)

The amazing fountains. I think this one was to a Sinatra song. Amazing!!!

Pictures from the car of the strip

And their little girl Haven on the car ride home.

It was a much needed trip! I was even way lucky in gambling. I started with $20 on the roulette table and left with $80.

Happy Halloween (early)...

Here are some funny Halloween cartoons. I thought I would give you a week to read them.
This one I saw last year but still think it's relevant and funny now.
Not much needs to be said about this one. I think we have all felt that way at one point...

This one is funny because it is of course the boy who is the insane one...and the girl is the angel. Us girls can do no wrong. ;)

This one is really cute.

Thanks for reading my ridiculous blog.

We are going to Vegas this weekend with some friends so I will post pictures after we get back.

I need to vent...

I HATE insurance companies so passionately it's probably a sin. Here is a few of the larger reasons why...
-When Jared and I first got married he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. No big deal, all he would need to do is sleep with a machine the rest of his life. He really doesn't mind it, he actually sleeps much better and doesn't snore at all like he used to. So, we did what we thought we should, we got the machine and had them bill the insurance company. Every little while a would get a bill for the "unpaid" amount. I would pay it. And then another bill for the "unpaid (by the insurance company)" amount. So a year later I had spent thousands of dollars for this machine and come to find out, I could have paid for it outright for half of what I paid going through the insurance company. On top of that, our insurance premiums were like $400 a month.
-I got a job for the state with the impression that not only is health insurance cheap, but it also covers almost everything.
-Last month a went in for a little out-patient procedure, simple, no big deal. My doctors office called and had it "pre-approved". I got a call saying out of the over $8000 it would only cost me $500. I was thrilled! Well...I WAS thrilled until I just got a bill in the mail from the hospital saying the insurance company only covered HALF...and not the 95%ish that I was told. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. All because it was "codded" wrong. The curse words going through my head right now are not going to be written.
So now I have to call my poor doctor and have him write a letter for me to submit to the appeals process crap AND resubmit the paper work AGAIN recoded. And all of this could be work for no reason. The insurance company, even after they said they would cover it, could still come back and say they decided not to cover it.
Point of my blog today....I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES...THEY DON'T COVER ANYTHING!!!
Remind me why we have to health insurance?

Okay, so I know I'm being dramatic, and I really am grateful for having insurance that at least covers half if this stupid thing. It just makes me mad that they can say one thing and do another after we pay them so much.
Thanks for listening to me vent, I really needed to.

Is it inhumane...

That I'm dressing my dogs up for Halloween?

If you can't tell, Floyd is Yoda. But the legs are WAY too long for his stubs, so he can't walk with it on. That is why Jared is holding him up.
Bella will be Princess Leah if I can get her to leave the costume on long enough to take a picture. I haven't had success with her yet. But as soon as I do I will post pictures. And Jared dresses up as Darth Vader, so my hope is to get a family picture of the three of them...but I might be wishing for the impossible. Oh well.