The Truth

So I’ve been thinking about blogging about this for awhile. I’m going to talk about this for two reasons. First reason being that writing things is very therapeutic for me. Second reason being that I know a lot of you have a lot of questions. The longer I’ve been married the more people are asking me when we are going to have kids. For the past few years I’ve made up many excuses. I’m sure some of you have heard them. But I can only say that my dogs are enough for so long. All of those excuses have been a lie. You see, in my family we don’t talk about personal problems. You keep things to yourself. That is exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to fight this battle by myself (with just Jared) for a couple of years. By blogging about this I can have a somewhat intimate conversation with my close friends and family without actually talking to you. If I have to talk to you about this I will just start crying and that would be awkward for both of us. Therefore, here it goes…
I went off of the pill almost two years ago. I thought it would be so simple, go off the pill and you’ll get pregnant right? Wrong! After a few months of no luck I started having some female health problems. I went to my doctor who put me on some medication that is supposed to get me back to normal and pregnant. Well a year of that produced nothing but the fact that my doctor wasn’t being aggressive at all and still didn’t remember who I was. So then I was referred to a fertility specialist. He is not covered by insurance, so just to see him we had to pay $250 up front. So we did. He was really helpful and spent a long time explaining to us (mostly me because Jared was only there physically, not so much mentally, he was really overwhelmed) what the problems most likely were. The first and most serious was endometriosis. It’s a very painful problem that is hereditary. My mother had it so bad that she was only ever able to have one kid, me, and that was a long shot. The only treatment is surgery. So I was referred to a great doctor and had the surgery this past September. I feel so much better after it. It made such a huge difference. The problem is the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more it will come back. There isn’t a way to prevent it. Which leads me into my second problem. I’m not regular on my own. So now I’m on more aggressive medication. I’m at least still on medication and haven’t had to do shots yet. Anyway, it’s still not fun. They cause nausea and weight gain. Plus I’m sure the stress isn’t helping the weight gain. At least those are my two most common symptoms. But I can handle all of that. The hardest part is having to map out on a calendar every month every pill you take, every ovulation test you take, and make sure everything happens on the right day and time. It invades the most intimate part of my marriage. Only to take another pregnancy test and have it be negative, again. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. It has tested my faith so much to have such a righteous desire that I want so bad but I can’t have. Sometimes I feel like a failure that I can’t have kids so easily. I feel bad that I can’t give that to Jared. I feel bad that the expense is so much that we can hardly afford the cheap treatments. If these don’t work I have no idea how we are going to pay for other stuff. And if it comes to invitro, I have no idea what we are going to do. I’ll be honest, it’s really depressing. Some days it’s really hard to be happy. I try really hard to be grateful for what I have and not dwell too much on what I don’t.
I’m sorry this is such a depressing post. I just wanted to put it out there. Now you all know. I know this is dumb, but please don’t talk to me about it. I will just cry. I'm not ready to talk. No, I’m not okay with it. I don’t understand why. But it’s my life. I will survive. I’m going to continue from now on to only post about the happy things in my life. I’m not expecting a pity party. The only thing I’m asking is that everyone stops asking me when we are going to have kids. We will someday, I hope.